Laura Beadle

Solution Focused Hypnotherapist

Helping you channel your full potential

How to be happier

Why we’re surprisingly bad at being happy

5 Steps to become happier

Sometimes it’s really hard to be happy. And there’s a reason for this. It’s our brain, the human brain isn’t hard-wired for happiness. Why? Well, because happiness isn’t essential for our survival. And furthermore, our minds can play tricks on us when it comes to happiness, leading us to chase things that won’t make us happy in the long run. But the good news is we can solve this. Keep reading to find out how.

First, let me explain in a little more detail about the brain and happiness, and then I’ll explain how we can solve this.

The brain and happiness

The brain prioritises and focuses on keeping us safe and alive, it doesn’t prioritise happiness. It cares about keeping us safe and alive, it doesn’t care about our happiness, our goals, wants, dreams and desires. The human brain isn’t naturally hard-wired for happiness. 
 

Misconceptions

On top of this, we actually have all these misconceptions when it comes to happiness, and we often get happiness wrong. We think something will make us happy, but it actually doesn’t, and we chase after the wrong things. In a way, our mind is kind of lying to us and playing tricks. We experience what is known as ‘miswanting’. Miswanting is the act of trying to go for certain things that we assume are going to make us feel happy, but then they don’t make us as happy as we think.

Our mind causes us to get happiness wrong. We all have these intuitions about the sorts of things we should be doing to feel happier, but the research shows that many of those intuitions are actually incorrect. For example, if we look at money. Many of us think that if we just had more money we’d feel happier. But the research shows that if you have enough money to put food on the table, and a roof over your head, more money isn’t going to make you happier. The same is also true of other things, for example, getting a promotion, material possessions, getting married. We think the problem is that we can’t always get what we want, but the problem is that if we got what we wanted, we probably still wouldn’t be happy, because we want the wrong things. And you may have already experienced this, you worked hard to get that promotion, you get it, and then you realise you’re not happy. You work hard to lose weight, thinking that if you could just lose that stone you’ll be happy, and you achieve this, but you’re still not happy or at least not as happy as you thought you’d be. 

 

Comparison is the thief of all joy

Another thing that our mind does, that causes us to get happiness wrong, is that it doesn’t think in objective terms, instead it tends to compare. We tend to compare all our outcomes in life to something or someone else. This is what’s known as ‘setting a reference point’. We’re constantly comparing what we have to other people, we compare our salaries, our looks, our houses, our car(s), our clothes, how happy our relationship is, we even compare how much sex we’re getting. And that’s a problem, because it means we could actually be doing objectively quite well in life, but as long as there’s somebody out there who is doing better than us, we’re going to feel bad. 

Right from starting school we’re compared to others, we’re graded and assessed against each other. Society installs this comparison and this kind of competition where we’re not happy unless we’re doing better than everyone else. And to add fuel to this, we now have social media, where people are always posting snap shots of the happiest high lights of their life (many of which are fake) and we compare ourselves to this. 

Hedonic Adaptation

Another things our mind does is that it tends to get used to things. When we first have an experience, it’s amazing. But over time, we kind of get used to it. This is known as ‘hedonic adaptation’. It means that things that initially impact our happiness a lot, stop having the same impact over time. 

How to become happier

So knowing all this, how can we become happier?  

Positive Interactions

One of the key behaviours that we can change, to make us happier is positive interactions or social connections if you like. Every available study of happy people suggests that happy people are more social. They physically spend time around other people, and they tend to really prioritize time with their friends and family members. Our lack of social connection really comes from the fact that we have this strong intuition that it kind of doesn’t matter, but actually it does. 

Acts of kindness

Another thing that we can do to become happier is acts of kindness to others. This behaviour we know really affects our happiness, doing nice things for other people, trying to become a little bit more focused on others. We often think that self-care is the path to happiness, but the evidence really suggests that happy people are much more focused on others. They’re donating more money to charity. They’re spending their time volunteering for others. They give more compliments.

Change our thought patterns – Positive Thoughts

Another way that we can improve our happiness is to change our thought patterns. Do we have a mindset of paying attention to all the negative things, all the hassles in life? Or do we have a mindset that focuses more on the good things? Lots of evidence suggests that happy people focus on the good things. If you tend not to do that naturally, you can change that thought pattern. One fantastic way to do this is simply to just write down three to five things you’re grateful for every night. And this practice can quickly improve your well-being.

Mindfulness, being present and savouring the good things

Another thought pattern that we can change to feel happier is paying attention to the good stuff in life. One of the reasons our good circumstances don’t necessarily lead to happiness is we tend not to notice them. We’ll buy a delicious latte that we should be paying attention to and savouring and really enjoying, but we just kind of chug it while we’re checking our email. The act of savouring is moving towards paying attention to the good things in life a little bit more.

Positive Actions – Move more

A final way we can become happier, is to change our behaviour in terms of moving more and exercising, and get our bodies moving.  We often forget that our bodies are connected to our minds. And that means that a really quick way to change how we’re feeling emotionally is simply moving our body a little bit more. Exercise is intricately connected to our mental health, and it’s important to note that this isn’t like running a marathon. This is simply just getting your body to move around a little bit more. Even as much as like 20 minutes a day can really improve your well-being. Not even that, just by changing your posture you can change your emotions, sit / stand tall, shoulders back, reach your arms up high and you’ll naturally feel more confident. Get up on your feet and move around / jump around, and get yourself pumped up and you’ll feel more motivated. 

The brain is fascinating, and the more we understand how it works, the more power we give ourselves to change our lives for the better. I hope you find this article helpful. And give this 5 changes a try, and see how they make you feel happier.